Momservation: The miracle of Christmas might just be that we survive it.

☺        ☺        ☺

I WAS TOO BUSY TO WRITE THIS BLOG BECAUSE:

… I was putting away my Halloween decorations so I could put out my Christmas decorations.

… I was making my husband and kids stand by every potential perfect Christmas tree in the lot, then spent another half hour making them spin the trees for final inspection and selection.

… I was procrastinating putting the lights on the Christmas tree and instead went outside to nag my husband about putting all the exterior lights on properly.

… I had to clean my house before I could put decorations out although I did consider passing off dust bunnies as garland and disguising my laundry piles as the three wise men.

… I needed to get 10 tubs of Christmas decorations put out before it became an exercise in futility and I just gave up and put the Valentine decorations out instead.

… My Christmas cards still refused to address themselves and I couldn’t let a great silly family photo go unseen by 150 of my closest friends and family. Or people who I forgot until they sent me a card and then I had to scramble to send them one.

… I had to keep the tradition alive and get a photo with Santa and the kids even if it meant hitting the strip mall Santa two towns over with his security guard to avoid the long lines at the local mall.

… I was racing from store to store in search of elusive toys requested from Santa. The older the kids, the harder it is to redirect them to what they really want (and what you already bought).

… of Christmas shopping. The closer it gets to Christmas the better those As Seen On TV! junk starts to look like perfect gifts for the ones you love.

… I’m wrapping presents. The first few gifts are festive, glorious works of paper art and ribbon. The rest are lucky to have tape and it scrawled somewhere on it who it’s for with a Sharpie®.

… I’m trying to be the first in line at the post office. If I took into account how much it cost to mail presents to loved ones far away, they’d all be getting feather dusters or sock slippers.

… I was just notified by my children I need to get teacher gifts, bring something for the class Christmas party, a Secret Santa gift, a book for a book exchange, food and unwrapped toy to donate to needy families, and to show up for a last minute go-ahead on a non-denominational school holiday musical they’re performing in.

… I was too busy tipping back liquid courage at holiday parties to get me through the rest of the Christmas season.

… I decided to watch “Home Alone” with the kids and laugh at every weenie hit and fall down a flight of stairs with them.

… we ordered pizza then went for a family drive to look at neighborhood Christmas lights.

… the kids and I had fun in the kitchen making holiday cookies together, then brought them to friends and neighbors.

… we turned on “The Chipmunk Song,” “Nuttin’ For Christmas,” “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” and danced and sang until our sides hurt from laughing.

… I gave the kids money and took them “dime store” shopping, getting a kick out of the gifts they selected for loved ones.

… I was busy popping popcorn and watching classic Christmas cartoons with the kids.

… I need to save energy for those “some assembly required” gifts that need to be put together midnight Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. See you in 2010!

Here are a few of my Holiday Momservations. Enjoy and happy holidays!

• If it can’t be found on eBay, it doesn’t exist.

• Scoring the season’s hottest toy for your kid is the equivalent joy of a child waking up on Christmas to find out they were on the Good List.

• As far as Santa’s concerned, you’ve got to believe to receive.

• Naughty is way more fun than nice, but don’t tell the kids.

• Legitimate kid question (LKQ) - How many wedgies are you allowed to give your sister/brother before Santa slides you to the Naughty List?

• Clothes for Christmas is right up there with lima beans for dinner.

• Letting your kids help with wrap Christmas presents is an exercise in patience but not letting them help would be like kicking a puppy

• If you have toddlers - either put your favorite ornament away for another year or go ahead and throw it on the ground right now and get it over with.

• The perfect Christmas card photo will be snapped the day after Christmas.

• LKQ - What makes a Christmas cookie taste so much better than cookies from the rest of the year?

• There should probably be a limit on pictures you can take for Baby’s First Christmas.

• What family doesn’t have a picture in their photo album of one of their kids in a box with a bow on their head?

• The end of a candy cane fits perfectly up a nostril. This is an important discovery if you’re a toddler.

• LKQ – How come Santa doesn’t just leave socks and underwear for the bad kids?

• There is no better re-gift then when your kid wraps up something from their room in a heartfelt gift to Mom.

• To figure out the odds of keeping a Christmas tree upright and green until Christmas, use this formula: take number of days tree will be standing, divide by number of kids in house, deduct 25% for each cat, subtract five days for each time you forget to put water in the basin, round down to the nearest even number each time the dog marks the tree, and then if you haven’t chucked it yet because it’s filled with ants after putting 7UP in the reservoir for longevity and real candy canes on the branches, make sure there is zero probability anything will be lit around the tree.

• If we’re not all kids on Christmas then we’re missing the big picture.

If you’d like to mix up your Christmas song line-up this year, check out a few of my Mommy Modified Christmas Carols:
http://kellimwheeler.com/uploads/Mommy_Modified_Christmas_Carols.doc

6:45am             Three year old  daughter wakes me up because she can’t find her blankie.  Help her find it in her bed and put her back to sleep.

7:15am             Can’t go back to sleep so I get up, write a freelance article pitch and send it to my editor.

7:40am             Five year old son gets up. Play a quick game of Baby Jesus that is being made up as we go along. Daughter wakes up and joins us.

8:00am             Call doctor help line to see if daughter’s throat swab came back positive for strep throat.  She’s been home all week, really need her to go to preschool so I can get some things done.

8-8:20am         Make breakfast of cereal and toast (yogurt and toast for daughter since throat hurts) while on hold with doctor.  Eat a quick piece of toast and hot chocolate while skimming the headlines and being on hold. Decide to run to the bathroom while still holding. Nurse picks up while I’m on toilet and tells me my daughter has strep throat.

8:22am             Call friend to apologize and warn her that I brought infectious child to dinner last night. Call husband and dad to tell them the “Crackernut” (Nutcracker as mispronounced by my daughter) ballet recital for daughter will still be on tomorrow once I infuse her with antibiotics for 24hrs.

8:30am             Help son find clothes and shoes to wear to preschool. Amazingly daughter gets dressed by herself.

8:40am             Almost forgot to give dog his breakfast so I can hide his antibiotics in it. Run out the door to get son to school before 9am

8:42am             My daughter asks me why I’m still in my pajamas as we drive to preschool. I’m wondering that myself.

8:50am             Drop son off at preschool making sure to keep infectious daughter away from rest of kids.        

9:00am             Daughter decides she wants to make paper chains too since she’s missing it a preschool today. Scrounge up some green and red paper, scissors and glue.

9-9:15am         Show daughter how to make her first paper chain.  Still having trouble with scissors so I get her going until she decides she can do it herself.

9:20am             Start laundry and straightening the house. Having a 3 year old and a 5 year old makes this a daily task.

9:45am             Daughter decides she wants to do workbook now. We clean up art and get out workbook. This too she tells me she can do herself.

10am                Cleaning up breakfast dishes while on hold to find out if daughter’s medication is ready for pick-up.

10:20am           Still on hold, still cleaning. Really have to go to bathroom, against better judgment I go for it. Daughter comes in to show me her excellent work and lady comes on line to tell me the medication is ready. You think I’d learn.         

10:30am           Finally get out of pajamas and put clothes on to go pick up medicine. Decide against doing any hair or make-up.

10:40-11am     Play games of “Hot Potato,” “Engine, Engine Number Nine,” and “Miss Suzy Pattycake” in line to get medicine trying to distract my daughter so she won’t get bored, touch everything and give entire pharmacy strep throat.

11:15am           Daughter is eager to try medicine with lunch. She reminds me not to forget to feed her like I did the day I brought her home early from school sick. I was hoping she’d forget that.

11:30am           Serving up soup and grilled cheese while daughter watches Dora the Explorer. Eat the other half of her grilled cheese figuring she won’t want it. She does. Have to make another.

11:30-11:55am  Squeeze in another load of laundry and finish straightening before going to get son from preschool.

12pm               Go get son from preschool. He wants to know if he has time to play outside at home today or if we have to go run errands. I tell him all errands are off because we have infectious child. Plenty of time to play.

12:15pm           Talk son and daughter into going on “fun” run with me. Son rides his bike and I push very heavy daughter in jogger. Usually I do this while they’re at preschool. Adds five minutes to normal jog route.

12:40pm           As part of deal to get son to agree to go jogging/biking we stop at house down the street that has kitty so he can pet it.

1:05pm             Bribe son and daughter to take a nap so they can stay up later to watch a holiday special on TV.

1:30pm             After long delay of going to bathroom, getting a drink and finally reading a story, kids are allowed to look at books for ten minutes before lights out.

1:32pm             Check email and find out freelance article pitch is rejected. Daughter comes out of room to show me “neat” picture in book.

1:35pm             Try to sit down and read the paper. Keep being interrupted by daughter with more neat pictures.

1:50pm             Time to put the hammer down on the kids to go to sleep. Promise of TV special becomes threat of no TV show without nap. Have to lay down with daughter to get her to be still and go to sleep.

2:00pm             Everyone’s asleep. Go back to computer to respond to editor’s email and others. Make a few edits to developing freelance piece.

2:30pm             Change laundry. Read a quick story in People magazine while using the facilities.

2:40pm             Remember I need to make soup out of leftover turkey bones and meat before it goes bad. Start soup.

2:50pm             Remember I need to take shower because I’m smelling bad.

3:00pm             Come up with idea for Chief of Everything Officer Diary after reviewing normal crazy day in well deserved hot shower.

3:15pm             Once finished with shower routine realize I need to find outfit to wear to cocktail party tonight. Was going to shop for new outfit while kids were at preschool. Oh well, saved money.

3:20-3:45pm    Try on many clothes that are completely outdated and decide to go through my closet and donate things to Goodwill. Find acceptable but not crazy about it outfit to wear to party.            

3:45pm             Daughter wakes up from nap and decompresses in front of favorite cartoon show. I call in-laws to see if they will mercifully still baby sit for infectious child and soon to be infected child.

3:50pm             Try to get a little writing done before son wakes up.

3:59pm             Son wakes up. Wants me to play video games with him. I buy some time while he “warms up” the games.

4:20pm             Play a few games of Ms. Pac man and Gallaga with son.

4:40pm             Continue prepping soup for tomorrow night’s dinner. Decide to go with TV dinners for the kids tonight, being a “special” night and all.

5pm                 Husband still not home to tag team so I can begin getting ready for cocktail party. Decide to fold clothes until he gets home.

5:05pm             Find son hanging from bedroom door “surfing.”

5:10pm             Daughter wants lollipop medicine for her sore throat. Find ants in new bag of lollipop lozenges.

5:11pm             Manage to salvage a few lollipop lozenges so I don’t have to go back to the store. Clean up ants. Find new spot for lozenges.

5:20pm             Son comes out in Buzz Lightyear pajamas saying he’s in his “fighting uniform” and wants to play pretend fight. Play Buzz Lightyear/Hulk/Karate/

Wrestling with son while being cheered on by daughter.

5:35pm             Game is over because my son and I almost knock each other cold when we bonk heads.

5:36pm             My husband finally arrives home. Told him he can have his Buzz Lightyear/Hulk/Karate/

Wrestling game back. Mommy’s not tough enough.

5:37pm             Put clothes in dryer. Separate bones out of turkey broth and put soup in fridge for finishing touches tomorrow.       

5:50pm             Go to throw out the garbage with turkey bones in it so dog won’t get into it, realize the garbage cans need to be brought in. Can’t understand why husband didn’t come to this realization.

6:00pm             Take one last look at cocktail invitation and realize it is light hors d’oeuvres not dinner. Fish some turkey out of soup broth for impromptu turkey sandwiches for husband and me.

6:05pm             Husband overrules TV dinner idea and makes fish sticks for kids instead. He also makes our sandwiches as I realize I need to put together a hostess gift.

6:15pm             Finish creating gift (pre-bought Christmas mugs, with instant hot cocoa mix, baggie of marshmallows and mini Milano cookies wrapped in clear gift bag) and sit down to eat with family.

6:25pm             Get ready for party. Clothes, make-up, hair in record time.

6:55pm             Set up VCR to tape holiday special while kids watch it.

7pm                 Reinforcements arrive and we’re off to party.

7:07-11pm       Enjoyed friends, food and cocktails. Really enjoyed cocktails.

Momservation: If we all parented like Disney runs their theme parks, we wouldn’t need to go to the happiest place on earth – we’d already be there.
    

 
Photo by Logan Wheeler, 10, grumpy son done being in pictures

☺        ☺        ☺

Just got back from an impromptu trip to Disney World, and can I please tell you, I’m ready for Disney to take over the world. Nobody, I mean nobody, does customer service and clean, friendly fun like Disney. These are the people we need in charge.

I truly believe if Disney ruled the world we’d all be singing Zippity Do Da out our you-know-whats. Who cares if we were just sent over a proverbial 50 foot waterfall and now have to walk around for hours in wet underwear? Life is good! Just grab a turkey leg and head over to the next attraction!

Instead of casting a wary eye on strangers, we would warmly greet them with, “Have a magical day!” Peace would envelop the world like a big, warm hug from Mickey and be commemorated with a souvenir photo. All our frowns would be turned upside down simply by someone handing us a churro. And all our problems would be solved by someone in a crisp, sharp Disney uniform saying, “How can I make your Disney experience more pleasant?” or “Let me take care of that for you.”

I’ve now been to both Disneyland and Disney World and am absolutely amazed at what a smooth and fantastically positive operation it is. I think there is something to be learned here. In fact, The Walt Disney Company thinks so too and actually has a Disney Institute where businesses can send their employees to become experts in the field of flawless customer service.

I’ve taken it upon myself to take a page from the Disney playbook and apply it to parenting. Below follows a list of ten ways to become a better parent by applying Disney philosophies. Because really, isn’t the bottom line to successful parenting crowd control and an enthusiastic, motivated work force? No…well, it should be.

Tips for Better Parenting Disney Style
By Kelli M. Wheeler
 

1. Customer service rules in the Magic Kingdom. The attitude in which you handle your kids’ problems, worries, fears, desires, questions, curiosity, etc. sets the tone for “customer” loyalty, trust and respect. According to Jim Cunningham of Disney University Professional Development Programs, “The front-line is the bottom line. It's the type of service received that usually determines the decisions customers make.
2. Attention to detail. Be tuned into your children’s daily lives and needs then be prepared to provide a positive, supportive, family friendly atmosphere. Explains Cunningham, "Everyone has certain needs…and certain emotions involved that determine what they do.”
3. Exceed Expectations. Your children look to you as an authority, a leader, a role model, and a moral compass as well as for security, reliability, stability. Make them want to follow in your footsteps and make it easy for them to have a clear example for right and wrong. Make home a good place they want to be.
4. Keep it clean, friendly, and fun. Whether talking about the top three expectations for Disney theme parks or your child’s outside interests parents and Disney are on the same page. To help achieve this goal, encourage your kids to get involved in extracurricular activities that explore their passion while building character, skills, and confidence.
5. Don’t forget about safety, courtesy, show and efficiency. Focusing on the four priorities for “guest” entertainment with Disney detail toward happiness will help your kids transition into safe, likable, self-respecting, and responsible adults.
6. Have a well-trained, enthusiastic and motivated work force. Get those kids excited about doing something productive! Disney believes an important key to keeping employees motivated is having great leaders who create an environment where people want to do their best. So go set a good example, let kids learn by doing, and keep a positive attitude Mom and Dad.
7. Be aggressively friendly. Say it with a smile. Even if you’re telling your kid they aren’t going to see the outside of their room for a week, telling them with a perky smile like they just won the lottery can take the sting out of it.
8. Build loyalty. According to Disney, the easiest way to build customer loyalty is by keeping the promise. Whether that means sticking to your word or sticking to your guns, kids need to know they can trust you and your expectations finding comfort in consistency.
9. Have Plan B waiting in the wings. When a flower, shrub or tree dies in a Disney park, there is one exactly like it already being grown to replace it. Always be ready to swap out what isn’t working.
10. Thrill and delight. Don’t forget to have fun. The easiest way to make your kids happy is to play and interact with them. Why do you think the Disney parks are so much fun? A family that plays together stays together.

Have a magical day!

Momservation: If a Halloween candy falls into my mouth and nobody sees it, do the calories still count?

☺        ☺        ☺

Top Ten Uses for B-List Halloween Candy

You’re on your own for trying not to eat all the A-List* candy when the kids aren’t looking

1.      Use Tootsie Rolls® as door stops or ant bait. Really, that’s all they’re good for anyway.

2.      Sprinkle Nerds® on your carpet as a carpet freshener and to make it sound like you’re doing a really good job vacuuming.

3.      Crush up Smarties® and stir it in your coffee as a sugar substitute – as in: it’s still sugar, just a substitute.

4.      Drop SweetTarts® in the toilet to freshen the bowl.

5.      Save Skittles® for Easter, then add vinegar to use as egg dye.

6.      Use all rejected banana flavor LaffyTaffy® as an industrial strength glue. One Halloween can last you a lifetime.

7.      Landscape with Dubble-Bubble® and Bazooka® bubble gum as the new lava rock of the millennium.

8.      String Starburst® as colorful garland for the Christmas tree. See #1 to keep ants away.

9.      Stick lollipops, Dum-Dums®, and Blow-Pops® in planters or flower beds for color until spring arrives.

10.  Save money at the dentist by extracting your own fillings with Dots®, LaffyTaffy®, and Jolly Ranchers®.

* A-List Candy includes anything chocolate related. For best success, make sure you don’t get caught with Snickers® and KitKat® wrappers falling out of your pockets or Reese’s® Peanut Butter Cup breath.

Closing every year with a musical tribute (this year it was Alicia Keys singing “I’m a Superwoman”) 12 hours later we stagger out the door drunk on woman power and ready to change the world.

Because it is as New York Times columnist and Pulitzer Prize winner Nicholas Kristof noted, “Women and girls are not the problem – they are the solution.”

So, how can one woman ignite such passion? By inviting a few of her friends to share their stories. Stories of success, struggles, triumph, heartbreak, determination, perseverance, courage, brilliance, mistakes, tenacity, hope, awe, and of course, inspiration. Oh, and Maria’s friends happen to include Oprah, the Dalai Lama, Queen Noor, Sara Ferguson, Barbara Walters, Suze Orman, Michelle Obama, Sandra Day O’Connor, Tony Blair, Tim Russert, Tom Brokaw, Bono, Warren Buffet, Madeleine Albright, Elizabeth Edwards, Katie Couric, Linda Ellerbee, Paula Deen…the impressive list of who has come to the Women’s Conference goes on and on. Imagine the impact it has when people like this are your personal cheerleaders for the day.

As first woman Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, declared, “I believe there is a special place in hell for women who don’t support each other.”

Every year, Maria leads this contingent of celebrity power players with a moving keynote address. In years past she has used herself as an example of a woman trying to find her way and make her mark in this world. She has courageously shared private struggles for public consumption on trying to balance work and family, ambition versus support, and her place in the Kennedy legacy.

This year, she was more candid than ever. She stood before us, bravely declaring herself “a woman with a broken heart” after the recent death of her mother, Eunice Shriver. She admitted, “There’s a disconnect between how I feel and how I’m supposed to behave” – a tough endeavor for anyone experiencing grief and loss but even more so for someone living in the public eye.

She then shared a spiritual experience, believing her mother reached out to deliver a message “letting me know she was okay” through a former nun from Mother Teresa’s order. Together Maria and the nun waded into the Atlantic Ocean fully clothed to pray and “walk through the loss, walk through the grief, walk through the fear and walk into the water.”

Hearing an arena full of sniffles and nose blowing showed Maria’s message of hope was taken to heart. Said Maria, “If I allow myself to really feel my grief and survive it I’ll be able to live a life – and that’s a life I want to live - where I’m brave enough to always walk in the water.”

Never one to pass up a teachable moment and punctuate her point Maria then moderated a panel on grief, healing and resilience with Elizabeth Edwards and Susan St. James, mothers who lost their sons to tragedy, and Lisa Neimi, a wife who lost her husband (Patrick Swayze).

It indeed makes it easier to have hope when someone like St. James, who even after suffering a mother’s worst nightmare, still encourages, “You start to recognize some graces when the dust settles.”

Maria doesn’t have to lead this Women’s Conference with her own personal struggles and triumphs, but that’s just what Maria does. She presents herself neither as a celebrity nor member of a near mythical family, but as one of us - a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend - trying also to achieve her best possible self. Maria shows she’s willing to begin with herself to be the change she wishes to see in the world.

But Maria is nothing if not her mother’s daughter if she didn’t then push us and challenge us women assembled to be the answer to our problems – to not become frozen in despair, fear, uncertainty, denial and inaction, but to become courageous architects of change. To search out ways to educate and empower ourselves and to keep moving forward.

This time Maria told us, “Confront loss. No one is exempt. How we deal with it has so much to do with how we live our lives afterward.”

Now, three days later, still ringing in my ears and propelling me forward are the inspiring words of courageous and bold women who have gone before me, sharing their knowledge and wisdom to make my path clearer.

• It is the words of Katie Couric, first female national evening news anchor, encouraging determination and risks. “A boat is always safe in the harbor, but that’s not what boats are built for.”

• It is Dr. Kathy Hull, founder of the nation’s first freestanding pediatric hospice and Minerva Award winner, who has had the willingness to act on her compassion because, “I don’t think there’s a parent out there with a child to spare.”

• It is Caroline Kennedy, daughter of President John F. Kennedy, sharing a family secret to success: “You are never too old, too young, or too busy to be of service.”

• It is cancer survivor and co-anchor of ABC news’ Good Morning America, Robin Roberts, whose mother’s wisdom propels her “To make your mess your message,” and use your message to affect change.

• It is Elizabeth Edwards in the fight for her life and living in the moment. “I’m not afraid. Every day I fear cancer is another day I give cancer.”

• It is Valerie Jarrett, mother and White House senior staffer believing anything can be done with “… a good support system.”

• It is the words of Somaly Mam, Cambodian child sex slave survivor that makes it seem so simple, clear and easy to help others – “Don’t be scared to give hope.”

• It is Eve Ensler, proud to be a girl and an emotional creature, provoking us to decide, “Do you want to be liked or admired? No one has ever told the Atlantic Ocean to behave.”

• It is actress and activist Geena Davis who reminds us to affect change all we have to do is “Look with new eyes and share what we see.”

I left The Women’s Conference this year as I always do – ready to change the world, even if it is only my own little corner of it. I set forth recharged, reinvigorated, hopeful, determined, validated, proud and ready to be my best possible self. Whether I am focused on being a wife, mother, writer, daughter, friend, sister, volunteer or whatever I choose to shine my hopes, dreams, talents and blessings on I know I can be successful, happy and proud with my efforts and achievements.

And a magical thing happens when you begin to believe that your voice does matter. It opens you, inspires you to pay it forward and use it to help someone else. In fact, the positive energy of the conference so fulfills me, it becomes impossible not to share a smile, a compliment, an encouraging word, a hopeful message, or a helping hand and a desire to lift others in need.

Momservation: “I told my husband I can either be good in the kitchen or good in the bedroom. We eat out a lot.” Cathy, mom of three, expert delegator.

☺        ☺        ☺

It is time once again to piss and moan about not getting the respect I deserve as WAHM (work-at-home-mom). This time though I’m in good company.

Yesterday, California First Lady Maria Shriver released The Shriver Report: A Woman’s Nation Changes Everything igniting a national conversation on women’s expanding multifaceted roles altering the American landscape.

Ladies, that’s you, me and all the other women at Target hiding the Inquirer and king size pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups under cleaning supplies in our carts.

So what exactly did this year-long study conclude? Basically, what we already knew – we women get no respect.

We are expected to be happy that we are now working in record numbers despite still averaging 23 cents less on the dollar in equal pay for equal work. That we are 2/3 of the primary and co-breadwinners but we are still primarily responsible for childcare and eldercare.

Nobody seems to think it’s a relevant problem that working women are still expected as mothers to keep children out of daycare as much as possible while they race home to cook, clean, and care for children and home. And even though fathers want to be involved in ways they didn’t know to be decades ago, men are not looked down upon with equal disdain for advancing their career over time with their families.

When I heard Shriver report on Monday’s “Today” show how women “say they feel increasingly isolated, invisible, stressed and misunderstood,” I immediately recognized my voice.

As a WAHM, this is just a small sample of quandary questions that makes me feel isolated, invisible, stressed and misunderstood:

• Before I get to work should I go work out or do I answer the emails over-flowing my inbox?
• Should I take care of the dishes in the sink left by my kids getting ready for school or start the article I didn’t get to yesterday because everyone was out of socks and underwear?
• Do I stop to eat something and read the headlines in the paper for a freelance idea or do I use those few minutes to run to the store to get something for dinner?
• Do I have time to take a shower before I get the kids from school or should I try to make that deadline because once the kids get home there’s no opportunity to work?
• I know today is Marketing Monday and I really need to work on expanding my readership, but they really need me to drive on the school field trip because all the other “working moms” are unavailable.

Depending on how I answer these questions I can have a productive day as a freelance writer or as a SAHM. But rarely is it ever both.  

To further illustrate why this tough balance is still underappreciated we now go to Matt Lauer from “Today” who asked Shriver, “Why (are women feeling isolated, invisible, stressed and misunderstood)? Because they are more and more outside the home…being valued for their contribution.”

And in perfect response to why he still just didn’t get it, Shriver pointedly said, “A lot of women feel they AREN’T being valued for their contributions.”

To which Lauer responded STILL not getting it, “I’m not talking financially.”

Neither am I. To the outside world I am a mother straddling working and being at home. Is she really working? Is she really taking care of the kids and home? If she’s at home, why isn’t the house spotless, cupboards stocked, meals homemade? Why isn’t she on PTA, the team mom, the soccer chauffer or organizing fundraisers?

If she’s working why does she have time to volunteer in the classroom, drive on field trips, go to the gym? What is she doing when she’s home all day? Why does it bother her to receive social phone calls and chain emails if she’s at the computer anyway? What does she have to show for it? Is she making enough to support a family?

What I love about The Shriver Report is that it’s a spotlight illuminating that I am a woman stretched at all ends and that I deserve respect for my effort. I am trying to have a successful career while trying to be a good wife and mother. And I just want the respect for juggling and balancing this Herculean task that I deserve.

So when the PTA moms don’t understand why I don’t have time to chair a committee and my husband is frustrated that the house is a mess and there’s no dinner planned, I say, “Read The Shriver Report and get back to me.”

And to Matt Lauer I say, “Who put those clean sheets on your bed that you woke up in this morning, picked up your suit from the cleaners you wore to work and who got your kids ready for school while you were interviewing Maria Shriver? Did you value that contribution to your day today?”

Get back to me Matt after you read The Shriver Report cover to cover.

Momservation: You have not earned your stripes as a mother until you utter the ridiculous, over-used, eye-rolling phrases your mother used to say.

☺        ☺        ☺

The other day I tripped over my daughter’s soccer cleat I had asked her to pick up more times than I should’ve. “God Bless America!” I yelled both in pain and anger.

Then I looked around to see how my mother ended up in the room. Was that me? How long had I been using one of her favorite tag lines? When did I give up on my own bag of parenting tricks to reach into my mother’s?

“I’ll be darned,” I said aloud.

Another one! I clamped my hand over my mouth before another of my mom’s Momisms (as we liked to call them) could pop out. If a “Believe you me!” came out of my mouth next I was going to run and look in the mirror a la “Freaky Friday.”

I always thought all my mom’s common threats and sayings were like background noise. It seemed she was always yelling one of them at us, but you didn’t pay attention until her tone changed or it was preceded by a “God Bless America!”

My mom was not a cusser. So if you did ever hear foul language come out of her mouth, you were about to be in deep kimchi (busted) and you better run for the hills (in big trouble).

I used to think my mom’s Momisms were silly rather than effective and was sure as a parent I would come up with better communication and expectations for my kids. Because you know, we always think we’re going to do better.

But you know what? At some point we all turn into our mothers, hopefully giving her the respect and admiration she finally deserves. That’s because loving your kids and wanting help and guide them into being the best people they can be doesn’t change. It’s every parent’s wish to see their child succeed and be happy. And to that end, you will inevitably find yourself saying the things that parents have and will always say to their kids to keep them on the right path.

Even if it is yelling at the top of our lungs, “Do you hear me?”

And trust me, you don’t want to reply, “Geez, Mom. The whole neighborhood can hear you.” Deep kimchi.

Favorite Momisms and Their Meanings

1. If I have to tell you one more time…(said right before you’ve pushed it too far)
2. You have until the count of three…(but everyone knows you’ll get the extra 2 ½ and 2 ¾
3. Did you hear what I just said or do you hear me? (yelled at the top of your lungs)
4. I don’t want to hear it…(so don’t waste your breath)
5. I don’t care who started it…(justice is not going to be served)
6. I sound like a broken record player…(this still gets the point across despite today’s children having no idea what that is)
7. What, are your arms broken? (Warning shot over the bow, you better start helping)
8. Do I look like a waitress to you? (Can also be replaced with maid, chauffer, cleaning lady…)
9. You better run for the hills! (Someone’s getting in trouble)
10. You’re in deep kimchi! (Might be known as a spicy Korean food in some cultures but to us it meant you’re busted)
11. God bless America! (Big trouble. If this is replaced with an expletive SUPER big trouble)
12. What did you just say? (The calmer this is said, the bigger trouble you’re in)
13. You get over here right now! (The last thing you want to do but to defy it would be bigger trouble)
14. Do you think I’m going to pay for that with my good looks? (too expensive)
15. I’ll give you something to cry about… (empty threat but a warning none the less)
16. If you’re bored I’ll give you something to do… (worse than #14 because you will indeed be put you to work)
17.  Believe you me…(Never sure what this meant only that you had just stepped into a lecture)
18. When your father hears about this… (bought some time until punishment, but may not be a good thing)
19. If I ever see you do that again… (got away with a warning this time)
20. You should know better than that… (maybe, but had to test it anyway)
21. What were you thinking? (that you wouldn’t get caught)
22. Go to your room and don’t come out until I tell you…(understood you’ll still ask 50 times when you can come out)
23. Oh Fuzzolis, Ding-dang-darn, oh shoot (replacements for the “F-word,” “D-word,” and “S-word” which is always irresistibly followed by “Bang”)
24. What don’t you understand about “No?” (it was worth another shot)
25. I love you to pieces. (There was never any doubt about it)

Momservation: On fashion trends - If you’re old enough to have worn it the first time around, it’s best not to have it in your closet for the second coming.

☺        ☺        ☺

I am an 80’s gal. My friends know if you’ve got a 1980’s themed party coming up, I’m your go-to gal for vintage 80’s wear and accessories. VINTAGE. Meaning, why the heck do I still have this stuff around?

Crimping iron? Check. Big, black bow a-la Madonna for the hair? Check. Knock-off Guess acid-washed, overall jean skirt? Check. (Never mind there’s no way I can squeeze these kid-baring hips in it). Neon pink skinny tie a-la Nicolas Cage from “Valley Girl?” Check. Bangle bracelets, dangly earrings, Motley Crue pin? Check, check, check.

Don’t even get me started on 80’s music. Or quoting every line from “Sixteen Candles.”

Despite my absolute love and nostalgia for all things 80’s, I have to admit, I was a 70’s girl first. Only, I feel like I was left out of the party. I was still a bit too young for all the popular fashion trends and it seemed everything I desired my mom told me I was too young to wear it.

I desperately wanted those Ditto, Jordache, Sasson, and Chemin de Fur jeans instead of plaid trousers. I thought it would be so cool to wear tube tops and wrap around skirts instead of shirts with unicorns and rainbows or iron-on T-shirts that said, “Keep on truckin’.” I ached for platform sandals like Candies or Cherokees instead of my Hush Puppies. But more than anything else I really, really wanted the glorious wavy bottom wedge shoes - Famolares.

They were the one designer 1970’s trend I thought I had the closest shot at getting. It wasn’t racy. It wasn’t sexy. And as an eight year old third grader I thought the moderate platform wasn’t too mature for me. Plus, I went to a private school with a uniform dress code and the only shoes I could wear with my plaid skirt were navy blue or brown shoes. And wouldn’t you know it, the loafer style Famolares I wanted came in blue and brown!

But Mom said no. “You’ll twist your ankle. They’re too mature for you,” she said dashing my hopes. Even when the first day of school came and lo and behold other 3^rd grade girls were wearing Famolares, my mom still said no. I got one pair of school shoes a year and we had just bought me the ugliest navy blue shoes on the face of the earth. When Christmas came I angled again, but even Santa wasn’t on my side.

Then the 80’s came and Famolares disappeared with bell-bottom jeans and platform shoes. And even though I moved on to flats and leg warmers, I never forgot about my first love.

Fast forward 30 years. A friend had just returned some 80’s wear I let her borrow and we were reminiscing about our favorite past trends. I told her about my long lost love of Famolares and how I still, to this day, ached for their touch upon my sole.

That’s when it occurred to me that with the magic of the internet it wasn’t too late to be connected to my one true love. That night, while my husband was asleep in bed, I searched online, desperate to be reunited.

Sure enough, after sifting through Famolare Hi There platforms, Famolare Get There heels and sandals, and Famolares in wrong sizes and colors – there they were on eBay, just as I remembered them. Brown, lattice front, wavy wedge, size 8 Famolares. I bought them instantly, money no object, finally mature enough for them to be mine.

When they arrived two days later, I was giddy with anticipation. I was already wearing the outfit I knew they would look perfect with. When I slipped them on it was like we were always meant to be together.

When my kids came home from school I danced around in my beloved shoes declaring, “Mommy is going to bring back an old fashion trend! I’m wearing these babies everywhere!”

“Those are them?” my son said disappointed with all the hype.

When I paraded around in them for my husband, eager for his approval, he shrugged and said, “If that’s what turns you on.”

When I wore them to my kids’ soccer practice skipping over to show the other moms, said one unimpressed, “Hmmm. Those aren’t how I remembered them.”

When I posted a picture on Twitter, giddy to show off my Famolares like a proud new mom one follower said, “They kind of look like nun shoes.”

When I wore them to Girls Night Out one friend decided, “They look a bit sensible. Sort of like orthopedic shoes.”

Coming to the realization that the fantasy was better than the reality, my mom was the one who finally put it all in perspective. When I called her to tell her what I finally had on my feet after all these years she said, “Saying you would twist your ankle was a convenient excuse. They were like $50 back then. Those shoes were too expensive and they just weren’t that cute.”

And a week later, when the novelty had definitely worn off and I had cast them aside in favor of my reliable old running shoes my daughter said stating the obvious, “Mom, where are your Famolares? How are you going to start a fashion trend if you never wear them?”

Yeah. Some things are better left in the past.

Except the 80’s. The 80’s will live forever if I have anything to do with it.

Momservation: Preparing for the moment when my kids realize the true meaning behind Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Kid Rock’s lyrics to “All Summer Long.”

☺        ☺        ☺

So we’re driving along the other day enjoying a fun family Sunday. Kids are happy in the backseat with a treat of Slurpees and chips. Hubby and I are the heroes in the front seat, holding hands, bopping to the music on the radio as we head home. You could practically see the hearts, stars, rainbows and flowers spewing out our tailpipe after us, the picture of idealistic family harmony.

A favorite tune comes on the radio and the mood in the car becomes instantly playful as we all start singing and grooving along.

That is until an eight year old soprano rises above all others from the back seat, singing with gusto, “…and we were trying different things, and we were smokin’ funny things, making love out by the lake to our favorite song, sippin’ Whiskey out the bottle, not thinkin’ ‘bout tomorrow, singing ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ all summer long.”  

Now imagine the sound of a record coming to a scratching halt. Hubby and I looked at each other, eyebrows raised in a simultaneous Oh Sh**! moment.

Instead of bringing a little Jesus into their hearts on the day of the Sabbath, our music choices had inadvertently brought a little Kid Rock into their mouths. It appeared our Disney princess wasn’t singing Hannah Montana’s “Best of Both Worlds” anymore.  

What do we do? It was too late to turn the channel. Our daughter, Whitney, obviously already knew the lyrics and she continued to sing along word for word. Making a big deal of it by telling her she couldn’t sing that part would only cause premature curiosity, calling attention to words she didn’t grasp the true meaning of. The bell couldn’t be unrung.

But looking back in the rearview mirror at this little girl in pigtails, singing her guts out to a catchy tune simply because she was happy, I realized we were still in the clear. She was still a firm believer in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and unconcerned with the details of where babies come from. We felt safe we hadn’t poisoned her well of knowledge just yet. 

Instead we shrugged and smirked, finding the humor in our innocent little girl obliviously singing about sex, drugs and rock and roll. Then we vowed to be more careful about our song choices when the kids were in the car.

Plus, I pointed out to Hubby, I sang the words to “Greased Lighting” about t**s and a** from age 7 to 27 before I shockingly heard and understood what the lyrics were actually saying. After all, it takes a certain amount of life experience to know “the chicks’ll cream” doesn’t mean we’re talking about whipping up some Cool Whip.

Okay, yeah, that didn’t help. Time to turn off the radio and sing “Kumbaya.”